This morning I went to the dentist and found out the full extent of the damage my addiction to sugar has done to my teeth. I will have to have several procedures before the end of the year to save my teeth. I left that appointment with my addict voice yelling at me in my head “See? You are worthless, you have let your mouth fall apart. You used to have a good smile, now look what you’ve done.” So, I went to a meeting. It was an interesting meeting, we read a story in the big book about a teenager and her disease. I’ve realized a lot of things recently about when my disease started and when I actually knew about it (which are 2 very different times). That meeting helped to quiet things in my head a little bit. I came home, stayed busy. Cleaned, cooked (By the way, don’t ever boil Arugula alone with just salt and pepper. It’s disgusting) and reorganized my recovery space in my home.
Today was the day I decided to return to the gym. For whatever reason, I decided that my first trip back should be into a kickboxing class. I stood at the front of the class where I always used to. Big. Mistake. I had to leave 20 min in because I nearly fainted. I was mortified. I used to lift weights 3 days a week and go to these types of classes 3 days a week and kick ass. And here I am now, unable to complete one workout. I lost it. I broke down and had a major anxiety attack in the parking lot of the gym. I’ve never quit a workout, I’ve never given up. I’m a fucking beast in the gym. At least, I used to be. I called Paula. She pointed out: “Babe, Beast mode isn’t some magic thing with a switch on and off. You have to work your way back into beast mode.” I sobbed and cried and knew she was right. I looked at the clock and realized I had just enough time to make the last 10 minutes of a meeting at the GLBT recovery center. I walked in with swollen eyes and saw lots of familiar faces greeting me with smiles. I got to share, and immediately felt a sense of relief.
Then, after the meeting something amazing happened that has begun to restore my belief in a higher power. This woman invited me to coffee with a few of the other girls from the meeting. I went reluctantly, not sure what to expect. I ordered coffee and sat with them, nervously sharing at first. Guess what? I was surrounded by 4 queer women in recovery. We all have different stories, we are all at different stages, but you know…I think my entire day happened so that I could need these women. So that I could be at that meeting, so that my life could change.
My life changed a little today, just another fucking miracle of recovery.
On my way home I realized that I was supposed to go right home after the gym to pull the chicken out of the oven that Paula had put in. I freaked out…had all these horrible thoughts about my house burning down running through my head. I called one of the ladies I met tonight and she helped to calm me. I got home and even though that chicken had been in the over for over 3 hours, it was not altogether inedible. I had an abstinent dinner despite the whole drama. Another blessing from some power greater than myself.
Today I am so thankful so many things:
1) Thus far in my life, I haven’t struggled with any other addiction issues besides cigarettes and I have been cigarette free for almost 1 year and 8 months.
2) My beginning steps into recovery are happening NOW when I’m 28 (29 next month) instead of many years and many lbs down the road when it just gets harder.
3) I have faith that this program can work, and have so far been allowed to find the strength somewhere outside myself to take the steps to recovery.
4) I am abstinent. I am not perfect, but I do not have to be.
5) I am finding my spirit. Even through all the anger I feel, I can find serenity. If I simply sit in my anxiety and anger long enough to let it pass, serenity and hope are on the other side.
I am soooooo pissed most of the time right now. Paula is dealing with the brunt of it. I am so grateful to have her but I am shocked she’s still around. I am detoxing, and it is ugly. BUT….then I have a night like tonight and I realize what it’s all for.