I have a lot of stories to share. I have a lot of writing to do. Most of this writing will be done privately as I am sure none of you care to go down into the trenches with me and dig through the muck. I do however, need to share some things. Not only in an effort to be honest and forthcoming regarding my disease but also because I know there are those people out there who have read my writing all along feeling the feelings I have felt. I made a promise all those years ago that I would share this journey so that others would know they are not alone. I am keeping that promise regardless of how hard it is to write. Please, excuse yourself now if you don’t want to read about the difficulty of my journey. Because, from here on out I’m excluding disclaimers. I am going to write what I am feeling, how I am using my tools of recovery to deal with the feelings and what my life looks like really.
The First Step of Overeater’s Anonymous says: We admitted that we were powerless over food—that our lives had become unmanageable.
I have made that admission to myself and to others.
So, for now I am simply going to share the things I wrote in honesty to my sponsor today that have assisted me in developing a healthy eating plan.
1) My personal binge foods as of today. I choose not to eat these foods as they lead to compulsive overeating and therefore a break in the commitment I have made to abstain:
b) Bread (white, wheat, hamburger/hotdog buns, sourdough, excl rice breads)
c) Crackers, chips, all other dippable carbohydrates.
d) Sugar (in all of it’s many forms),
e) Peanut/almond butter,
g) Cold cereal,
h) Cream cheese.
2) Compulsive behaviors- I choose not to participate in these behaviors as they lead to compulsive overeating and horrible feelings:
- Drive thru windows,
- Walgreens/cvs/or convenient store snacking,
- Eating in the car,
- Eating while watching television,
- “Let me try a bite of that”,
- Eating too quickly,
- Hiding what I’ve eaten.
The last behavior I have to confess is something I haven’t ever shared with anyone besides my OA group members. Along with compulsive overeating, I am also a bulimic, purging excess food by vomiting, laxatives, and starvation.
So, there it is out in the open. These are simply the foods and behaviors. I have only just begun to dig into the emotions and situations that cause them. I am working on the 12-Steps to Recovery one at a time, starting with step one.