I have mentioned my addiction to food. I have mentioned my prior abstinence from sugar. I mentioned how I longed for recovery. I begged for support, I cried every night. But, I did ALL of this without actually committing to the OA program. I thought the 12 step meetings were full of enablers sitting around talking about why they hadn’t succeeded that week. I thought I was better than that. I could find recovery on my own. In my own way. Certainly I was strong enough. I had lost over 100 lbs already, I don’t need stupid meetings to tell me how to fix the problem. The answer was simple, I just had to stop eating. I just had to stop obsessing over food. So, I posted blogs and facebook posts and everyone gave their support. I tried time after time and FAILED because, well frankly my will-power and my devotion to the process don’t mean CRAP unless I actually get INVOLVED with the solution. I am one of the lucky ones in that I kept getting back up each time I failed. I never again let the disease fully take over my life without recognizing it or seeking resolution.
One day last month, I decided enough was enough and why not just try a damn meeting already? I’ve now been attending at least 5 meetings a week for a little over a month. Every meeting, every share session, every literature reading brought me new enlightenment and new feelings. Finally, on Thursday 7/18/2013 I met with a sponsor and decided that I will fully embark on my journey to recovery from compulsive overeating USING the program instead of just my own will. I accepted that I cannot do this alone. I am seeking spiritual enlightenment. I am searching for my faith. I want to believe a higher power exists, and until I do I am just going to set upon this journey “as if” it does. I will begin writing again, I will try hard to stop isolating, I will stick to a food plan my sponsor and I agreed upon, I will abstain from my individual binge foods, I will go to meetings, I will do service, I WILL FIND RECOVERY. There is just no other option. I cannot continue to live the way I have been living.
Abstinence is clarity and meaningful life.
Compulsive behaviors will kill me.
I choose life.