Bottom Lines

So, on March 11, I accepted sugar as a no no forever. I also mentioned not eating wheat or flour as an aide to help decrease sugar cravings.

Today, I am proud to say I am 7 weeks clean from sugar. I held my bottom line. I promised myself that this was it, I was going to beat this thing once and for all.

I did not, however, realize how important it was to continually update your food no nos. Last week, I had a hard time getting into the kitchen. I have a new job, but I was still working my old job, too. It was all I could do to stay awake to eat dinner much less have the energy to cook it. At least that’s what I was telling myself to make it okay to eat less than healthy food almost every day last week.

I am lucky that I didn’t gain any weight. Saturday I found myself at Golden Corral (seriously Candace!?!?) with my wife and our nieces with all you can eat chicken wings and a giant bowl of ranch dressing. Let me be honest, I did NOT eat 1/2 as much as a “normal’ binge. But, I will not allow myself to not call it what it was: A binge. Sure i didn’t eat sugar. Sure, rice and the small amounts of breading on the wings were the only carbs I ate. Sure, I had mostly vegetables. But, does that excuse the 10-15 chicken wings when every wing that went into my mouth made the addict voice louder and louder?? Oh, the peace I had been feeling for weeks. *sigh*

So, what do you do to shut addict voice up?? You starve it!!

So, I made myself (and my “accountability partner” a few promises today that I will keep.

1) I will work on loving myself even if I don’t lose another damn pound.

2) Chips and salsa are an absolute no. Never again. No.

3) I will only eat food I do not prepare in social situations (not to include my wife).

4) I will go to the gym at least 5 times a week.

I never realized how much that last one affects what I eat. When I don’t get to the gym, it is almost guaranteed that I will have a bad food event. Because when I am eating right and going to the gym I am happy. I am successful, I am healthy mind body and spirit. When I allow addict voice to take over, I’m sitting on my wife’s bed eating chips and queso watching hell’s kitchen feeling terrible about myself.

When I first started my recovery 7 weeks ago, on one of the first nights I went to Kerbey Lane for dinner. I got fajitas and chips and salsa because at the time I hadn’t made any other food restrictions besides sugar wheat and flour just so my body had time to adjust. But, I over ate chips and salsa. Then something crazy happened. I looked to my left and saw a young, fit woman in work out clothes and to my right I saw an obese woman eating a greasy hamburger. I sat equidistant between the two. I realized I am in between these two worlds now. I do not fit into either yet/anymore. I am halfway through this weight loss. I have lost as much as I still need to lose. But it takes just one overeating episode to feel bad about myself and for addict brain to make me see myself as that unhappy obese girl I used to be. But, when I starve addict voice. When I make it go away, I can almost feel like one day I’ll be that fit girl I dream of.

I know that I have the power to do this. I know I can beat this. I just never realized how hard it really all was.

I do not understand everything I have done/will have to do because of this addiction. I do not know why people react the way they do when I talk about it. But, I won’t stop talking about it. I will put all of my thoughts out there. I will use words like fat and obese and addiction and hate and all of those things.

This is my recovery, these are my stories. I will not grovel. You are either in or out.

That is the bottom line.

Advertisements

One thought on “Bottom Lines

  1. ninamade.com says:

    Just wanted to say “hi”…for what it’s worth, I think of you and always send some good thoughts your way…I hope that the kindness you offer others you are finding ways to return to yourself 10 fold…I admire your dedication to being healthy and happy…it’s hard to change habits which (seemed to) serve us in the past and no longer fit…
    wishing you all the best…
    be well and strong…
    Nina

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s