So, on March 11, I accepted sugar as a no no forever. I also mentioned not eating wheat or flour as an aide to help decrease sugar cravings.
Today, I am proud to say I am 7 weeks clean from sugar. I held my bottom line. I promised myself that this was it, I was going to beat this thing once and for all.
I did not, however, realize how important it was to continually update your food no nos. Last week, I had a hard time getting into the kitchen. I have a new job, but I was still working my old job, too. It was all I could do to stay awake to eat dinner much less have the energy to cook it. At least that’s what I was telling myself to make it okay to eat less than healthy food almost every day last week.
I am lucky that I didn’t gain any weight. Saturday I found myself at Golden Corral (seriously Candace!?!?) with my wife and our nieces with all you can eat chicken wings and a giant bowl of ranch dressing. Let me be honest, I did NOT eat 1/2 as much as a “normal’ binge. But, I will not allow myself to not call it what it was: A binge. Sure i didn’t eat sugar. Sure, rice and the small amounts of breading on the wings were the only carbs I ate. Sure, I had mostly vegetables. But, does that excuse the 10-15 chicken wings when every wing that went into my mouth made the addict voice louder and louder?? Oh, the peace I had been feeling for weeks. *sigh*
So, what do you do to shut addict voice up?? You starve it!!
So, I made myself (and my “accountability partner” a few promises today that I will keep.
1) I will work on loving myself even if I don’t lose another damn pound.
2) Chips and salsa are an absolute no. Never again. No.
3) I will only eat food I do not prepare in social situations (not to include my wife).
4) I will go to the gym at least 5 times a week.
I never realized how much that last one affects what I eat. When I don’t get to the gym, it is almost guaranteed that I will have a bad food event. Because when I am eating right and going to the gym I am happy. I am successful, I am healthy mind body and spirit. When I allow addict voice to take over, I’m sitting on my wife’s bed eating chips and queso watching hell’s kitchen feeling terrible about myself.
When I first started my recovery 7 weeks ago, on one of the first nights I went to Kerbey Lane for dinner. I got fajitas and chips and salsa because at the time I hadn’t made any other food restrictions besides sugar wheat and flour just so my body had time to adjust. But, I over ate chips and salsa. Then something crazy happened. I looked to my left and saw a young, fit woman in work out clothes and to my right I saw an obese woman eating a greasy hamburger. I sat equidistant between the two. I realized I am in between these two worlds now. I do not fit into either yet/anymore. I am halfway through this weight loss. I have lost as much as I still need to lose. But it takes just one overeating episode to feel bad about myself and for addict brain to make me see myself as that unhappy obese girl I used to be. But, when I starve addict voice. When I make it go away, I can almost feel like one day I’ll be that fit girl I dream of.
I know that I have the power to do this. I know I can beat this. I just never realized how hard it really all was.
I do not understand everything I have done/will have to do because of this addiction. I do not know why people react the way they do when I talk about it. But, I won’t stop talking about it. I will put all of my thoughts out there. I will use words like fat and obese and addiction and hate and all of those things.
This is my recovery, these are my stories. I will not grovel. You are either in or out.
That is the bottom line.