Raising Up From the Depths

I have never really been honest with the world about the depth of my addiction. When I say food addiction, people may not see what I really mean. By food addiction I really mean sugar addiction. I am addicted to sugar in all of it’s many forms. I had no idea myself what that meant until a good friend of mine helped me see. Even with her help I was in denial that I was like the other people with addiction. I mean, hell, I’ve lost 140 lbs (yeah, I gained 30 back but that’s beside the point) I am strong. I can do this weight loss thing without having to face those inner demons. I can rationalize everything. I can make excuses for my behavior. I can modify my diet AGAIN and AGAIN. Nothing worked until I hit the bottom. Let me draw you a picture:

3 weeks ago Monday I was sitting in my living room surrounded by an empty pint of ice cream and 6 empty Reese’s easter egg wrappers balling my eyes out. I had already eaten a king size candy bar at work, plus a full breakfast and lunch. What happened was that someone gave me 10 dollars that they owed me. Cash is a problem. If I have cash, what I spend it on is untraceable. I can eat the entire 10 dollars and no one knows. So, here I am after consuming exorbitant amounts of sugar and I was so full that I could feel the food in my throat. I was light headed, sweating, and SO SICK. My face was flushed, I was nauseated, my heart was pounding in my temples because I had consumed more calories and sugar in 8 hours than most people do in 4 days. I was crying so hard, my brain was telling me that I was worthless. I can’t possibly succeed. I can’t do this. I will always be fat. I will always hate my body, I am not strong enough. I cannot possibly stop eating these things. So, might as well get some more. You still have 4 dollars left in your account. Who cares, just get one more pint of ice cream. SERIOUSLY this was going through my head. It is a dark dark place to be. I can’t make it easier for anyone to read. I can’t tell you that it’s all okay when I’m here. Because it’s not. It’s ugly and disgusting. 

Instead of getting back in the car and going back to walgreens (a big no no store for me) I texted a friend that I made when I sent out a plea on Craigslist asking for accountability partners. I told her what I had done and that I was sick. After a long conversation I passed out. I slept off the food coma. I woke up from that nap and have not eaten, drank, or tasted any kind of sugar, wheat or flour since. That was Monday March 11, 2013, the day I got “sober.”

I can’t even tell you everything that has happened since that moment. ALL the other food choices I have to make are easy. I can make clear decisions when my addict brain isn’t in control. I’ve given that away. The need for every single thing to be on my plate. The need to control ever moment. I want to LIVE not WORRY my life away. 

I can do anything when every moment isn’t filled with obsession with food. Clearing my head of these things has allowed a lot of other things to come into focus. It cause turmoil for a few weeks, now I’ve settled down and have stopped making irrational, excited decisions.

I love living this life even with all of the pain because the pain makes you appreciate the pleasure sooo much more. I can say that because I have raised myself up out of the depths of despair. I’ve come from darkness to happiness. 

I no longer count calories. 

I no longer weigh my self every day. 

I eat when I’m hungry. 

I eat anything I want as long as it doesn’t contain wheat, flour or sugar. 

I eat until I’m full and stop when I get there.

I exercise almost every day.

I don’t beat myself up if I don’t work out every day. 

I don’t allow negative thoughts to rule. 

I will make mistakes, I will eat too much of something or too little of something else.

The only thing that cannot be compromised is sugar, wheat and flour. Those things are not optional. Everything else can be forgiven. If I feed addict brain, it gets it’s voice back. I like  it when it’s quiet, then I am free to remember lots of things like:

I AM AWESOME! 

I am funny.

I am a great friend.

I bring a lot to the table and anyone who cannot see that doesn’t deserve my time.

I can create the life I really want and no one can stop me.

Yepp, things are on a good track right now. I am not naive enough to believe that everything will continue to be this easy forever. I know that sugar will be presented to me in all its forms for the rest of my life and I will have to say no every single time without fail. 

My friend helped me look at it like this: I have eaten my life’s worth of cake, ice cream, cookies, candy and sweets already in the last 28 years. Whatever a normal person would in their lifetime, I have ALREADY eaten it plus more. So, no I don’t get a birthday cake. It’s okay, I’ve already had mine 10 times over. 

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