I can say that I am okay. I can say that I am strong and everything is fine. Actually, I haven’t had a good solid week since I re-started this thing. My wife and I had a long talk this evening about what is going on with me. I don’t want this addiction. I don’t want it to have so much power over me. I want to be healthy. I deserve to be healthy. I work my ass off for days just to sabotage it with some terrible hours-long binge. I can’t be trusted with my own money because if I have access to it, I’ll spend it on junk. I feel like everyone looks to me for inspiration, for strength, and that makes me feel like a fraud. I am not okay. I am not strong right now. I am not able to say no when I should. I can and will make every excuse for my bad behavior. Even while I write this I want sugar. I can pretend that I have all the answers because I’ve been at this for so long. To be honest, I am just as weak mentally as I was day 1 of this. My head isn’t right. I….I KNOW I can do this. Question is…will I? Will I buckle down and kick this thing’s ass? Hell yes, I will.
No matter how hard this gets, no matter how much I’m afraid to fail, no matter how many times I fall flat on my face, I WILL get up and try again, I WILL keep working until I figure out what it takes to make it across that finish line.
I WILL NOT give up.
Because I am a lot of things: bossy, condescending, inconsiderate, mouthy, addicted, and sassy. But, I AM NOT A QUITTER!
I’m going to examine my diet.
Start with basics, right? (rhetorical questions here).
Wish me luck 😉