REDEFINE EVERYTHING!

I can say that I am okay. I can say that I am strong and everything is fine. Actually, I haven’t had a good solid week since I re-started this thing. My wife and I had a long talk this evening about what is going on with me. I don’t want this addiction. I don’t want it to have so much power over me. I want to be healthy. I deserve to be healthy. I work my ass off for days just to sabotage it with some terrible hours-long binge. I can’t be trusted with my own money because if I have access to it, I’ll spend it on junk. I feel like everyone looks to me for inspiration, for strength, and that makes me feel like a fraud. I am not okay. I am not strong right now. I am not able to say no when I should. I can and will make every excuse for my bad behavior. Even while I write this I want sugar. I can pretend that I have all the answers because I’ve been at this for so long. To be honest, I am just as weak mentally as I was day 1 of this. My head isn’t right. I….I KNOW I can do this. Question is…will I? Will I buckle down and kick this thing’s ass? Hell yes, I will. 

No matter how hard this gets, no matter how much I’m afraid to fail, no matter how many times I fall flat on my face, I WILL get up and try again, I WILL keep working until I figure out what it takes to make it across that finish line. 

I WILL NOT give up.

Because I am a lot of things: bossy, condescending, inconsiderate, mouthy, addicted, and sassy. But, I AM NOT A QUITTER! 

I’m going to examine my diet. 

Start with basics, right? (rhetorical questions here).

Wish me luck 😉 

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Some thoughts.

Today is a little slow at work, so I was going through my Facebook pictures. I realized something. Somewhere along this journey I have lost myself completely. I USED to love life. I USED to go out and have great times with new people. I USED to be able to sit around and have NORMAL conversations, however superficial, with just about anyone. Somehow this journey has created/opened up this completely self conscious, hyper vigilant, nervous obsessed person. I think constantly about my weight loss. I focus solely on how many calories I’m eating, or what gym workout is next and I don’t focus on the things going on around me. I miss out on the fun. The interaction with strangers. The nights on the town, the lunches downtown or by the lake….

I’m going to get me back. The fun loving, carefree Candace. Then learn to combine my weight loss with normal life.

Damnit.

Biggest Loser

With the beginning of the new season of The Biggest Loser comes a renewed sense of “I CAN FUCKIN DO THIS!”

I joined the biggest loser community and will be altering my diet accordingly. I know that my trainer’s old diet worked for me before, but right now….I’m struggling so hard with the cravings for things that aren’t chicken, rice, or wheat bread. I’m going to use the BL diet to dictate my choices for a while, and see how it goes. Sticking with the same caloric restrictions and beast mode at the gym.

I LOVE JILLIAN MICHAELS!! Seriously, I would die for her to kick my ass one time! Just once, just so I can say I survived it!

This is it y’all, this is war. I’m winning, are you?

Babies

I love the childrenses. And I wantses them. So, I am committed to my health for the health of my children to be. I long for a thriving family that has a healthy relationship with food and exercise.

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our niece looks just like Paula…she’s so adorable…makes my uterus hurt -giggle-.

FLM

So as this goes on, I’ve decided that a picture of me every day is a bit excessive. I’m going to change that up a bit. I’m gonna do once a week (Sunday weigh days) Biggest Loser Style in workout clothes. But, I am going to post a picture every day. Either of something that inspired me, or a meal I cooked, something interesting to look at. So i’m looking deeper into the mirror besides the surface. So we’ll continue calling it the Full Length Mirror as I’m still examining my self image. Work for everyone?

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Today, I made chicken and these yummy veggies with fresh Rosemary. Yummmmm.

FLM Day 4

I missed yesterday, so today I thought why not get it out there biggest loser style? Btw, Jillian Michaels is back this season starting Sunday! Whoop!  I’m sup excited that I’m sticking with this again. I’m not giving up! I’ll be back later, right now I’m headed to do arms and then turbo kick at 530!

photo removed for anonymity