I’m going to be brutally honest from this point forward. Is everyone okay with that? Up to this point I have sort of made it all pretty and not been completely truthful about my thoughts and struggles, even while journaling about some of them. But, the purpose of this whole thing is to get the whole story out there, isn’t it? To document even the hard stuff so that people know that they aren’t alone in this and that someone out there may be feeling the same things they are. So, I’m going to be honest. I’m going to write down everything. And if that hurts some people’s feelings, I am truly sorry but I have to be real.
That being said, I’ll get started now. I am in a rough place. My personal trainer and I parted ways in August and since then I’ve found it nearly impossible to get motivated to go to the gym on a regular basis. I went on a month and a half long “bender” surrounding my vacation. For that entire 6 weeks I made excuse after excuse for my poor food choices. I had kind of given up control. My wife is amazing…she tried to help me see what I was doing. Her and I are basically always on the same eating routine. Whatever diet I eat, she’ll eat. I starting noticing that I was eating way more than her on a way more frequent basis, but I couldn’t stop. I didn’t care. I realized that I was doing terrible things to my body, but I couldn’t make myself listen to reason. I fell back into that “I’ll start again tomorrow.” I’d make it halfway through the day with great intentions just to stop by taco bell on the way home from work. I was eating in private, when no one was around, and trying to hide the evidence like some criminal. To date, no one but me really knows how much I was eating. It was….awful. Want to know what made it so easy? I didn’t gain much weight. I thought, this is weird, but hey..it’s okay as long as I don’t get back up over 300 lbs. When I get there I’ll stop. *insert exasperated sigh* I hadn’t thought that the reason I wasn’t gaining weight was NOT because I wasn’t gaining fat, it was because I was losing muscle due to my lack of exercise. I had established a pretty large muscle mass with a body builder trainer. The moment I stepped back into the gym last week I realized it. I have to re-do ALL that work. I have to start over in this process because even though I was 281 lbs at the lowest point before my vacation, and I only got up to 299, the changes in my body comp are obvious to me. Shirts are tighter around the middle, I get out of breath climbing the stairs again. Stupid addiction…grrrrrr.
So, starting Monday of this week, I have cracked down on the diet. Back to 1800 calories/day. Today was my first time back to the gym since deciding to refocus. Thankfully Paula was with me because I broke down. I am having such a hard time believing I can succeed without my trainer. So, we broke it down. Why did I succeed with him? 1) Because we had a structured schedule. I was accountable to him, so I would never cancel. His sessions were a guarantee kick ass work out and I’d never miss that for the world. 2) He pushed me to do that few extra reps because I couldn’t say no to him. Even if I didn’t think I could do it, I never backed down. Even when I was falling over or throwing up, we kept going. I never said never. 3) He always told me I was better than I let myself believe I was. That any person was lucky to be my friend, or partner, or acquaintance just simply because I was me. That I had to start giving myself more credit, and stop tearing myself apart.
How can I have these things without him? CREATE them within myself. 1) Set a work out schedule that I stick to no matter what. I have work schedule and a school schedule there is no reason a work out schedule can’t be in there with it. Make myself accountable to myself. Go to the gym when I say I’m going to and don’t ever miss. 2) Push myself and when that fails, take a workout buddy. Anytime I work out with someone else, I can’t “lose” to them. I have to do my very best because I won’t back down in the face of competition. 3) Seek out a psychotherapist to help me with this one. I really have to learn why I obsess over everything negative so much and figure out how to stop before I go crazy with it.
That’s the plan folks.
I promised great things, and great things shall be had. If they aren’t, it shan’t be for lack of trying.
Please refrain from the “Don’t be so hard on yourself” comments. I know.