This week

The first few days were hell. I wanted everything to eat that I couldn’t have. Today when I woke up, I weighed 11lbs less than I did on Sunday. Somehow, those Monsters aren’t as loud this morning.

Win.

Ahhhh the monsters

I’m so hungry though I ate a awesome sandwich at 1045 my diet is strict in that I can’t eat again until 145. I am so tempted to eat the candy my patients keep in dishes in their rooms for us…or steal a roll from the dining room. Seriously, my mind is creating all sorts of rationale for such behavior. Grrrrr….this is so hard. Owning these thoughts and feelings, knowing their root, and pushing them aside moment after moment until I think I’ll burst with the intensity of it all. Day 3 of adherence to this diet that so successfully limits my carbohydrate intake. makes the cravings multiply but…if I can just commit myself to this fully…buy into the thought that I AM stronger than any addiction…I KNOW I will succeed. After all, success is my only option.

Forgiveness. I’m angry.

They always say “you are you own worst critic” or “don’t be so hard on yourself.” 

How do you balance that with “you have to do your very best” or “give it everything you’ve got.”

What if you know you’re not??

How do you forgive yourself that? I have poured my heart and soul into this for over a year. I am tired. I am tired of caring about the caloric value of food. I’m tired of the guilt associated with it. I’m tired of feeling that I have to hide in my bedroom or sneak around to eat something that “I know I shouldn’t.” I’m sooooooo exhausted.

So, enough of the pretty talk. Today, I’m pissed. I’m going to feel sorry for myself. I’m going to SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS. It is UNFAIRRRRR that I have to work this hard to lose this weight and someone else can eat whatever they want and not gain a pound. IT MAKES ME ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Yes, it’s an addiction. I’m angry because the chemicals are screwed up in my brain. I REALIZE all of the physiological reasons that make up the brain of an addict. I know, I know, I KNOW! It’s not easy, I know. You have to want it, I know. It takes time, I know. You didn’t gain this weight over night, I KNOW! But, why doesn’t it matter to my body how much I want it? Why doesn’t my heart count? 

I’m angry. 

I want it to be easier.

It is not easy. 

I am struggling.

I have weighed the same amount give or take 5 lbs for 2 months.

I’m exhausted. 

I know what I’m doing wrong and I know how to fix it. 

It’s hard. 

SO FREAKING HARD.

*sigh* 

I need to join OA or something that gives me a support group. 

I hate the “higher being” aspect. I can’t stand “praying.” 

Is there an agnostic OA?