Stairs…yeah, I love ’em.

This post is going to be short, but I had to talk about this before I burst with excitement!!!!

Today I did legs with the trainer. Bust my butt workout!  (literally, my gluts are KILLING ME!!)  I got home and Paula cooked 3rd meal. (Baked haddock with onion and mushroom with broccoli friggin YUMMMM). We ate and then headed to her old apartment. Here’s where it gets exciting….you ready?

I ACTIVELY participated in moving her boxes FROM UPSTAIRS to the cars downstairs. Granted, it was only 1 flight of stairs and we didn’t have to move anything but boxes as the big furniture got moved last week. I climbed up the stairs, and then carried boxes down the stairs around 15 times. Her old roommate helped us down with a few things. He weighs 160-175ish and has no real fat to speak of. He got out of breath and stopped after just a few trips!!!!

This is a huge accomplishment for me. I have moved a million times in my life and have NEVER been able to help with the moving of things from upstairs to downstairs. Never! I was too out of breath by the time I got the top!!

I LOVE that I have lost 130 lbs.

I LOVE that I’m in shape.

I LOVE that I am no longer a smoker.

I LOVE that each day I discover something new I can now do that I couldn’t before.

I LOVE MY LIFE!!!!!!

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Struggling with Addiction

The last 48 hours have been insane. At 7 am yesterday while I was at work I received a phone call from my friend stating she needed to be picked up from the emergency room because she was being discharged after being treated for alcohol withdrawal. She’s an addict. She has a problem and wants to get help. *BAM* That was the sound of my jaw hitting the floor because I had no idea her drinking was a problem. We have been friends for over since 2003, lost contact for about 6 years and then since the beginning of last year we have hung out a few times. Honestly, I don’t really know who she is at this point in her life. Anyway, of course I did what I could to help her. Got her all checked into a nice treatment facility after hours and hours of talking….phone calls to insurance companies, social workers, visits with ER doctors/nurses. She is there safe and sound. It’s on her to do the work.

Do the work…..crap. I haven’t been doing the work. Over the past week (AGAIN) I’ve gotten really lazy with my diet. I keep allowing myself to make excuses. “Oh, I’m just too tired to cook.” “It’s just one bite, it won’t kill me.” “I’m not gaining any weight, I can afford the calories.” Yeah…I might be friggin tired. Yeah….one bite ISN’T going to kill me, and YEAH i’m not gaining weight….BUT if I’m not careful the addiction will win again. I can’t allow that to happen. I renewed myself today, let my power take back over. I have to admit, though, today was hard. I had a war with myself all evening

So, again today I renew my dedication to eating clean and training dirty. I focus hard on my redefinition. I remember my successes, respect my failures and keep a constant eye on my goals.

One day at a time. One good choice at a time.

Success is my only option. It’s the only one that makes sense. You don’t come this far….you don’t lose this much weight and stop. Okay, maybe someone does, but not this girl. Not me. I am my own power source. I will succeed.

 

Period.

It’s not all roses.

I am a food addict.

I make mistakes, and when given the chance, I have the propensity to binge consuming more calories than is humanly possible to burn.

Driving down the street proves difficult when you’re diet is like mine is. Fast food restaurants yell at you, the corner stores where you used to buy cigarettes, the restaurants that sell your favorite foods. I have cravings. A normal person can have just one cookie. If I have a cookie, I want 2 dozen. If I eat 1 taco, I want 10. It’s like telling an alcoholic to just have one drink. “Oh, it’s fiinnneee…. you have to give yourself a break SOMETIMES.” No, no really I don’t. If I take a break, if I give a little slack….I will fall. I will lose control.

I have worries and doubts and fears. Am I going to continue to lose weight? Is my hard work going to pay off? Will I fail? My knees hurt, all the time. Will they take over? Will I be able to continue? Will it all be enough when I’m done?

My life is amazing. I am smoke free for 2 months. I have lost 132 lbs. I am happy and healthy and every day I can see the changes in my body, my soul.

But, I am an addict. I will always feel guilt. I will always know fear. I will always have to be careful, maintain control of that little voice in my head telling me it’s okay to stop in, have a little treat.