A new dawn, a new day….a new love?

So, many of you who know me personally (or are at least attached to my personal facebook) know that I am now in a new (freaking awesome) relationship. At first my trainer, and myself honestly, were afraid about what that might mean in terms of my level of commitment.

The last time I entertained a relationship I lost focus. The person I was dating was not supportive, they enabled my addiction and sabotaged my success by bringing horrible food around me and asking me to miss gym sessions, etc.

This time, however, all of that is different! I have fallen hard and fast for someone who is supportive, loving, beautiful, healthy, encouraging, sexy AND who PUSHES me to get to the gym. We even go grocery shopping together, and she is EXCITED to pick out new (organic, natural, healthy) options! As I posted earlier, I am on a VERY strict diet created by James. Paula cooks for me….. she learns more and more every day about what I need….. what I can have, what I can’t. She is helping me find new ways to prepare the foods I’m permitted to have.

Also, we have worked out together. She even comes to the gym and sits there supporting me through my workouts!!

It is so difficult for me when someone who is smaller than me is interested in me. I don’t understand why? What do they see? I want to hide under the blankets, turn off the lights, make excuses for every compliment she gives. I have to say that I am finding it easier each day to let my body be my body. I am who I am. I have made soooo many changes, my body is smaller, more fit. I still have the places on my body with which I am uncomfortable (who doesn’t??) but I am learning….. that I am attractive. I am SEXY!!!!

And so it begins…. I am opening myself to something I didn’t think I was interested in. It is soooo true that when you stop looking for something THAT is when you find it!!

I am struggling a little with sleep… Life is so exciting right now. Not just this relationship, but I’m feeling healthy and happy strong!!! I feel like there is soooo much to do!!!! Shutting down my brain at the end of the night is hard. Everything else is going so well, I just need to figure out the sleep thing. I think I have discovered a way…I just need to try it. I’ll let y’all know how that goes!



Under 300…..SERIOUSLY??

For the first time since sophomore year of high school, my weight no longer has a 3 in front of it! I cannot tell you how amazing that feels. I am finding new strength everyday. I have had my struggles, but right now I really feel like I’m in a good place, like I’ve hit my stride for a little while. As things progress, I am sure that I will continue to have hurdles to overcome. I kind of wanted to take a moment to address some of those past hurdles in a time line so that I can appreciate the good times even more!

Jan 2011- The beginning of my journey. I had moved back to Texas from Oregon in August of 2010 and continued to gain weight due to some really heavy emotions surrounding that move. I got all the way to 407 lbs. I was depressed and had given up on life, love and happiness. I can remember at one point feeling like I was on auto-pilot and my life wasn’t even really mine. It belonged to emotional eating and food addiction.  I had amazing friends supporting me, but I didn’t have the inspiration or drive to even care.

Feb 2011- Moved to Austin, hoping that being in a different town than the one I left for Portland would help. Changed jobs, took on more responsibility and chose to begin changing my diet. Slowly at first, making small changes. Brown rice instead of white, wheat bread instead of white. I was very inconsistent at this point, but just knew that it was time to start something. However, I am a food addict. I was never consistent,  I would do great all day and then stop by Taco Bell that evening and eat more than I could.

March 2011- Michael moved in. I began hiding my sadness, going out with him. Partying, drinking. Still working insane hours. I didn’t have time to care about my weight. I still tried to make good decisions but mostly lied to myself and others about the decisions I was making all the while overeating in private. My excess poundage was there for all the world to see, but somehow I thought I was being stealth.

April-May 2011: Continued to make healthier choices. I was able to control my cravings for longer periods of time. 2-3 days if I was in a good head space. Emotions still got the best of me. I still mourned the loss of my life in Oregon. I still cried almost daily over the things I no longer had in life. Emotions…blah. I had lost about 20 lbs weighed about 380-385. I felt a little better about myself but spent way too much time working to really deal with anything I was going through emotionally. Getting drunk was the easiest way to forget my low self-esteem.

June 2011- My dad became incredibly ill. We put him on hospice care. Here’s a facebook post from June 23rd, 2011: “I don’t ever want to be as sick as my step-dad. I must start taking better care of myself physically, mentally and emotionally. Big changes to come!  Friday I shall join a gym and pump this thing into overdrive! 45 lbs down so far let’s do this.” I think this is when things finally started to click. If I didn’t get serious about getting the weight off I was going to die. I really tackled the actual problem I had with losing weight. Food Addiction. It owned me. Had so much power. I had to break myself from it one day at a time, one step at a time, one right choice at a time. I struggled daily (and still do to this day) but each day was a little easier. The end of June my father passed away. I was at peace with this because he had been so sick for so many years, but realizing the thing that made him sick was in my near future scared me.

July 20, 2011 facebook post: Dad, I miss you….I’m going to do everything I can to get healthy so I can take care of mom. I know it’s what you would want for me.

July 2011-I met James, my personal trainer for the first time at 24 hour fitness. I have to tell you that walking back into a gym for the first time  in many many many many years was scary. NOT as scary as diabetes, so I carried my chunky out of shape booty in there and did what I had to do. And so it began.

For the rest of 2011- I did hard work. Trained dirty, ate clean. I got rid of some negative energies and gained some really positive ones. I lost weight. Slowly at first….but the success came.

Oct 2011- BFP Reunion. I got to perform in front of a bunch of my most favorite people in the entire world. I had lost about 80 lbs at this point.  I told a little bit of my story and received the love and encouragement I needed to continue this journey.

Dec 2011- Another hurdle. My goal was to be under 300 lbs by Dec 31st. Around Dec 15th I weighed (I weighed at work at the time, on an old wonky scale.) I was 298!!! SOOOOO excited!! I celebrated, threw a little party in my head. I didn’t tell anyone, though because it was my New Year’s SURPRISE!!! The next week, I went to weigh and I had gained 12 lbs!!!! IMPOSSIBLE!!! I was figuring I would gain 1-2 lbs because of a little  fluid retention (ladies you get it) but NO WAY I could GAIN that much in a week!! Come to find out, the scale was broken at work the week before and I hadn’t actually lost that weight in the first place. I was now 310 with 1 week left in the month and there was NOOOOOO WAYYYY I was going to make my goal. So, I pouted. I cheated, I went off diet and stopped caring about working out between trainer sessions. I gained a few more lbs, leaving me even more sad. I had to learn that just because something happens, doesn’t mean it’s okay to give up. If I went off diet for an evening, it doesn’t make it over. I am still amazing and strong and powerful.

Jan 2012- I quit SMOKING! James took over my diet and I cracked down on all the stupid addictions I previously couldn’t control. Now, I am FINALLY way below the 300 lbs mark and I could NOT be happier. I have also been a non-smoker for 39 days tomorrow!!! WHOOOTTTT!!!


(Please forgive the horrible grammar and disconnected thought process here. This was a difficult post to write for some reason. Telling the story from start to finish is MUCH easier if you leave out the touchy stuff. I found it difficult to work on this post.)

Also, if I can do this…..so can you!


photos removed for anonymity