My ex partner (who is now my best friend) and I were having a discussion earlier about my self-confidence issues and the way they affect my romantic relationships.
I am beginning to grow more and more comfortable in my own skin. Sometimes, however, I feel like I’m in between stages. I am SOOOO happy to have lost the weight that I have, and I feel sexier in my clothes. But, I still have so much left to lose, and I look forward and can see myself thin. I know that there are only a few people on this earth who look in the mirror naked and LOVE what they see. We are all socially conditioned to hate our bodies by the media and pop culture. So, when I am intimate with someone I have a difficult time allowing myself to believe they are truly attracted to my body even if all the signs are in place that they are. I hesitate when there is too much light in the room, I hide under blankets or don’t allow my clothing to be removed.
While there are other things (obviously some trust issues caused by previous experiences) that make relationship difficult for me, I honestly believe this issue is the one that presents the most negativity. If I don’t feel attractive or sexy, then how can I believe that someone else does? And if I don’t believe what they say in that regard, then I can’t believe that their feelings for me are real, either. Ultimately, I end up with animosity and distrust for their feelings or intentions, no matter how genuine or legitimate they may be.
This is something I am working on daily. I know I can conquer this thing, just like I’ve conquered the rest of it. I just have to make sure my mind is healthy and happy.