If ever I was unsure whether I was an addict or not, all I would need to do is take a look at my posts in this blog! I am literally shocked to read how many ups and downs and tricks and crazy stuff I’ve posted here. I’m so happy to have finally found and accepted the solution. I have a lot of ‘splaining to do, to anyone who still reads this blog. I am deleting any link to my facebook profile and deleting my picture from wordpress b/c I am and will continue to talk about my recovery using the Overeater’s Anonymous 12 step program, which by title and definition requires anonymity at the level of press, radio and all other forms of public media, including social media. Once I feel like all of the links to my full name and picture have been severed, I’ll begin posting freely again. Thank you to all who have stood by me all these years.
I am hoping somehow my story will help others who still suffer.


The spiritual journey begins.

An Awesome Abstinent End to an Awful Day

This morning I went to the dentist and found out the full extent of the damage my addiction to sugar has done to my teeth. I will have to have several procedures before the end of the year to save my teeth. I left that appointment with my addict voice yelling at me in my head “See? You are worthless, you have let your mouth fall apart. You used to have a good smile, now look what you’ve done.” So, I went to a meeting. It was an interesting meeting, we read a story in the big book about a teenager and her disease. I’ve realized a lot of things recently about when my disease started and when I actually knew about it (which are 2 very different times). That meeting helped to quiet things in my head a little bit. I came home, stayed busy. Cleaned, cooked (By the way, don’t ever boil Arugula alone with just salt and pepper. It’s disgusting) and reorganized my recovery space in my home. 

Today was the day I decided to return to the gym. For whatever reason, I decided that my first trip back should be into a kickboxing class. I stood at the front of the class where I always used to. Big. Mistake. I had to leave 20 min in because I nearly fainted. I was mortified. I used to lift weights 3 days a week and go to these types of classes 3 days a week and kick ass. And here I am now, unable to complete one workout. I lost it. I broke down and had a major anxiety attack in the parking lot of the gym. I’ve never quit a workout, I’ve never given up. I’m a fucking beast in the gym. At least, I used to be. I called Paula. She pointed out: “Babe, Beast mode isn’t some magic thing with a switch on and off. You have to work your way back into beast mode.” I sobbed and cried and knew she was right. I looked at the clock and realized I had just enough time to make the last 10 minutes of a meeting at the GLBT recovery center. I walked in with swollen eyes and saw lots of familiar faces greeting me  with smiles. I got to share, and immediately felt a sense of relief. 

Then, after the meeting something amazing happened that has begun to restore my belief in a higher power. This woman invited me to coffee with a few of the other girls from the meeting. I went reluctantly, not sure what to expect. I ordered coffee and sat with them, nervously sharing at first. Guess what? I was surrounded by 4 queer women in recovery. We all have different stories, we are all at different stages, but you know…I think my entire day happened so that I could need these women. So that I could be at that meeting, so that my life could change. 

My life changed a little today, just another fucking miracle of recovery. 

On my way home I realized that I was supposed to go right home after the gym to pull the chicken out of the oven that Paula had put in. I freaked out…had all these horrible thoughts about my house burning down running through my head. I called one of the ladies I met tonight and she helped to calm me. I got home and even though that chicken had been in the over for over 3 hours, it was not altogether inedible. I had an abstinent dinner despite the whole drama. Another blessing from some power greater than myself.

Today I am so thankful so many things:

1) Thus far in my life, I haven’t struggled with any other addiction issues besides cigarettes and I have been cigarette free for almost 1 year and 8 months. 

2) My beginning steps into recovery are happening NOW when I’m 28 (29 next month) instead of many years and many lbs down the road when it just gets harder. 

3) I have faith that this program can work, and have so far been allowed to find the strength somewhere outside myself to take the steps to recovery.

4) I am abstinent. I am not perfect, but I do not have to be. 

5) I am finding my spirit. Even through all the anger I feel, I can find serenity. If I simply sit in my anxiety and anger long enough to let it pass, serenity and hope are on the other side. 

I am soooooo pissed most of the time right now. Paula is dealing with the brunt of it. I am so grateful to have her but I am shocked she’s still around. I am detoxing, and it is ugly. BUT….then I have a night like tonight and I realize what it’s all for. 


The Truth about my Compulsive Eating

I have a lot of stories to share. I have a lot of writing to do. Most of this writing will be done privately as I am sure none of you care to go down into the trenches with me and dig through the muck. I do however, need to share some things. Not only in an effort to be honest and forthcoming regarding my disease but also because I know there are those people out there who have read my writing all along feeling the feelings I have felt. I made a promise all those years ago that I would share this journey so that others would know they are not alone. I am keeping that promise regardless of how hard it is to write. Please, excuse yourself now if you don’t want to read about the difficulty of my journey. Because, from here on out I’m excluding disclaimers. I am going to write what I am feeling, how I am using my tools of recovery to deal with the feelings and what my life looks like really. 

The First Step of Overeater’s Anonymous says: We admitted that we were powerless over food—that our lives had become unmanageable.

I have made that admission to myself and to others.

So, for now I am simply going to share the things I wrote in honesty to my sponsor today that have assisted me in developing a healthy eating plan.

1)    My personal binge foods as of today. I choose not to eat these foods as they lead to compulsive overeating and therefore a break in the commitment I have made to abstain:

a)    Pizza

b)    Bread (white, wheat, hamburger/hotdog buns, sourdough, excl rice breads)

c)    Crackers, chips, all other dippable carbohydrates.

d)    Sugar (in all of it’s many forms),

e)    Peanut/almond butter,

f)     Popcorn,

g)    Cold cereal,

h)    Cream cheese. 

2)    Compulsive behaviors- I choose not to participate in these behaviors as they lead to compulsive overeating and horrible feelings:

  1. Drive thru windows,
  2. Buffets,
  3. Walgreens/cvs/or convenient store snacking,
  4. Eating in the car,
  5. Eating while watching television,
  6. “Let me try a bite of that”,
  7. Eating too quickly,
  8. Hiding what I’ve eaten. 

The last behavior I have to confess is something I haven’t ever shared with anyone besides my OA group members. Along with compulsive overeating, I am also a bulimic, purging excess food by vomiting, laxatives, and starvation. 

So, there it is out in the open. These are simply the foods and behaviors. I have only just begun to dig into the emotions and situations that cause them. I am working on the 12-Steps to Recovery one at a time, starting with step one. 

New Steps to Recovery

I have mentioned my addiction to food. I have mentioned my prior abstinence from sugar. I mentioned how I longed for recovery. I begged for support, I cried every night. But, I did ALL of this without actually committing to the OA program. I thought the 12 step meetings were full of enablers sitting around talking about why they hadn’t succeeded that week. I thought I was better than that. I could find recovery on my own. In my own way. Certainly I was strong enough. I had lost over 100 lbs already, I don’t need stupid meetings to tell me how to fix the problem. The answer was simple, I just had to stop eating. I just had to stop obsessing over food. So, I posted blogs and facebook posts and everyone gave their support. I tried time after time and FAILED because, well frankly my will-power and my devotion to the process don’t mean CRAP unless I actually get INVOLVED with the solution. I am one of the lucky ones in that I kept getting back up each time I failed. I never again let the disease fully take over my life without recognizing it or seeking resolution. 

One day last month, I decided enough was enough and why not just try a damn meeting already? I’ve now been attending at least 5 meetings a week for a little over a month. Every meeting, every share session, every literature reading brought me new enlightenment and new feelings. Finally, on Thursday 7/18/2013 I met with a sponsor and decided that I will fully embark on my journey to recovery from compulsive overeating USING the program instead of just my own will. I accepted that I cannot do this alone. I am seeking spiritual enlightenment. I am searching for my faith. I want to believe a higher power exists, and until I do I am just going to set upon this journey “as if” it does. I will begin writing again, I will try hard to stop isolating, I will stick to a food plan my sponsor and I agreed upon, I will abstain from my individual binge foods, I will go to meetings, I will do service, I WILL FIND RECOVERY. There is just no other option. I cannot continue to live the way I have been living. 

Abstinence is clarity and meaningful life.

Compulsive behaviors will kill me. 

I choose life. 

Bottom Lines

So, on March 11, I accepted sugar as a no no forever. I also mentioned not eating wheat or flour as an aide to help decrease sugar cravings.

Today, I am proud to say I am 7 weeks clean from sugar. I held my bottom line. I promised myself that this was it, I was going to beat this thing once and for all.

I did not, however, realize how important it was to continually update your food no nos. Last week, I had a hard time getting into the kitchen. I have a new job, but I was still working my old job, too. It was all I could do to stay awake to eat dinner much less have the energy to cook it. At least that’s what I was telling myself to make it okay to eat less than healthy food almost every day last week.

I am lucky that I didn’t gain any weight. Saturday I found myself at Golden Corral (seriously Candace!?!?) with my wife and our nieces with all you can eat chicken wings and a giant bowl of ranch dressing. Let me be honest, I did NOT eat 1/2 as much as a “normal’ binge. But, I will not allow myself to not call it what it was: A binge. Sure i didn’t eat sugar. Sure, rice and the small amounts of breading on the wings were the only carbs I ate. Sure, I had mostly vegetables. But, does that excuse the 10-15 chicken wings when every wing that went into my mouth made the addict voice louder and louder?? Oh, the peace I had been feeling for weeks. *sigh*

So, what do you do to shut addict voice up?? You starve it!!

So, I made myself (and my “accountability partner” a few promises today that I will keep.

1) I will work on loving myself even if I don’t lose another damn pound.

2) Chips and salsa are an absolute no. Never again. No.

3) I will only eat food I do not prepare in social situations (not to include my wife).

4) I will go to the gym at least 5 times a week.

I never realized how much that last one affects what I eat. When I don’t get to the gym, it is almost guaranteed that I will have a bad food event. Because when I am eating right and going to the gym I am happy. I am successful, I am healthy mind body and spirit. When I allow addict voice to take over, I’m sitting on my wife’s bed eating chips and queso watching hell’s kitchen feeling terrible about myself.

When I first started my recovery 7 weeks ago, on one of the first nights I went to Kerbey Lane for dinner. I got fajitas and chips and salsa because at the time I hadn’t made any other food restrictions besides sugar wheat and flour just so my body had time to adjust. But, I over ate chips and salsa. Then something crazy happened. I looked to my left and saw a young, fit woman in work out clothes and to my right I saw an obese woman eating a greasy hamburger. I sat equidistant between the two. I realized I am in between these two worlds now. I do not fit into either yet/anymore. I am halfway through this weight loss. I have lost as much as I still need to lose. But it takes just one overeating episode to feel bad about myself and for addict brain to make me see myself as that unhappy obese girl I used to be. But, when I starve addict voice. When I make it go away, I can almost feel like one day I’ll be that fit girl I dream of.

I know that I have the power to do this. I know I can beat this. I just never realized how hard it really all was.

I do not understand everything I have done/will have to do because of this addiction. I do not know why people react the way they do when I talk about it. But, I won’t stop talking about it. I will put all of my thoughts out there. I will use words like fat and obese and addiction and hate and all of those things.

This is my recovery, these are my stories. I will not grovel. You are either in or out.

That is the bottom line.

Raising Up From the Depths

I have never really been honest with the world about the depth of my addiction. When I say food addiction, people may not see what I really mean. By food addiction I really mean sugar addiction. I am addicted to sugar in all of it’s many forms. I had no idea myself what that meant until a good friend of mine helped me see. Even with her help I was in denial that I was like the other people with addiction. I mean, hell, I’ve lost 140 lbs (yeah, I gained 30 back but that’s beside the point) I am strong. I can do this weight loss thing without having to face those inner demons. I can rationalize everything. I can make excuses for my behavior. I can modify my diet AGAIN and AGAIN. Nothing worked until I hit the bottom. Let me draw you a picture:

3 weeks ago Monday I was sitting in my living room surrounded by an empty pint of ice cream and 6 empty Reese’s easter egg wrappers balling my eyes out. I had already eaten a king size candy bar at work, plus a full breakfast and lunch. What happened was that someone gave me 10 dollars that they owed me. Cash is a problem. If I have cash, what I spend it on is untraceable. I can eat the entire 10 dollars and no one knows. So, here I am after consuming exorbitant amounts of sugar and I was so full that I could feel the food in my throat. I was light headed, sweating, and SO SICK. My face was flushed, I was nauseated, my heart was pounding in my temples because I had consumed more calories and sugar in 8 hours than most people do in 4 days. I was crying so hard, my brain was telling me that I was worthless. I can’t possibly succeed. I can’t do this. I will always be fat. I will always hate my body, I am not strong enough. I cannot possibly stop eating these things. So, might as well get some more. You still have 4 dollars left in your account. Who cares, just get one more pint of ice cream. SERIOUSLY this was going through my head. It is a dark dark place to be. I can’t make it easier for anyone to read. I can’t tell you that it’s all okay when I’m here. Because it’s not. It’s ugly and disgusting. 

Instead of getting back in the car and going back to walgreens (a big no no store for me) I texted a friend that I made when I sent out a plea on Craigslist asking for accountability partners. I told her what I had done and that I was sick. After a long conversation I passed out. I slept off the food coma. I woke up from that nap and have not eaten, drank, or tasted any kind of sugar, wheat or flour since. That was Monday March 11, 2013, the day I got “sober.”

I can’t even tell you everything that has happened since that moment. ALL the other food choices I have to make are easy. I can make clear decisions when my addict brain isn’t in control. I’ve given that away. The need for every single thing to be on my plate. The need to control ever moment. I want to LIVE not WORRY my life away. 

I can do anything when every moment isn’t filled with obsession with food. Clearing my head of these things has allowed a lot of other things to come into focus. It cause turmoil for a few weeks, now I’ve settled down and have stopped making irrational, excited decisions.

I love living this life even with all of the pain because the pain makes you appreciate the pleasure sooo much more. I can say that because I have raised myself up out of the depths of despair. I’ve come from darkness to happiness. 

I no longer count calories. 

I no longer weigh my self every day. 

I eat when I’m hungry. 

I eat anything I want as long as it doesn’t contain wheat, flour or sugar. 

I eat until I’m full and stop when I get there.

I exercise almost every day.

I don’t beat myself up if I don’t work out every day. 

I don’t allow negative thoughts to rule. 

I will make mistakes, I will eat too much of something or too little of something else.

The only thing that cannot be compromised is sugar, wheat and flour. Those things are not optional. Everything else can be forgiven. If I feed addict brain, it gets it’s voice back. I like  it when it’s quiet, then I am free to remember lots of things like:


I am funny.

I am a great friend.

I bring a lot to the table and anyone who cannot see that doesn’t deserve my time.

I can create the life I really want and no one can stop me.

Yepp, things are on a good track right now. I am not naive enough to believe that everything will continue to be this easy forever. I know that sugar will be presented to me in all its forms for the rest of my life and I will have to say no every single time without fail. 

My friend helped me look at it like this: I have eaten my life’s worth of cake, ice cream, cookies, candy and sweets already in the last 28 years. Whatever a normal person would in their lifetime, I have ALREADY eaten it plus more. So, no I don’t get a birthday cake. It’s okay, I’ve already had mine 10 times over. 


I can say that I am okay. I can say that I am strong and everything is fine. Actually, I haven’t had a good solid week since I re-started this thing. My wife and I had a long talk this evening about what is going on with me. I don’t want this addiction. I don’t want it to have so much power over me. I want to be healthy. I deserve to be healthy. I work my ass off for days just to sabotage it with some terrible hours-long binge. I can’t be trusted with my own money because if I have access to it, I’ll spend it on junk. I feel like everyone looks to me for inspiration, for strength, and that makes me feel like a fraud. I am not okay. I am not strong right now. I am not able to say no when I should. I can and will make every excuse for my bad behavior. Even while I write this I want sugar. I can pretend that I have all the answers because I’ve been at this for so long. To be honest, I am just as weak mentally as I was day 1 of this. My head isn’t right. I….I KNOW I can do this. Question is…will I? Will I buckle down and kick this thing’s ass? Hell yes, I will. 

No matter how hard this gets, no matter how much I’m afraid to fail, no matter how many times I fall flat on my face, I WILL get up and try again, I WILL keep working until I figure out what it takes to make it across that finish line. 

I WILL NOT give up.

Because I am a lot of things: bossy, condescending, inconsiderate, mouthy, addicted, and sassy. But, I AM NOT A QUITTER! 

I’m going to examine my diet. 

Start with basics, right? (rhetorical questions here).

Wish me luck ;)