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Ahhhh the monsters

I’m so hungry though I ate a awesome sandwich at 1045 my diet is strict in that I can’t eat again until 145. I am so tempted to eat the candy my patients keep in dishes in their rooms for us…or steal a roll from the dining room. Seriously, my mind is creating all sorts of rationale for such behavior. Grrrrr….this is so hard. Owning these thoughts and feelings, knowing their root, and pushing them aside moment after moment until I think I’ll burst with the intensity of it all. Day 3 of adherence to this diet that so successfully limits my carbohydrate intake. makes the cravings multiply but…if I can just commit myself to this fully…buy into the thought that I AM stronger than any addiction…I KNOW I will succeed. After all, success is my only option.

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Forgiveness. I’m angry.

They always say “you are you own worst critic” or “don’t be so hard on yourself.” 

How do you balance that with “you have to do your very best” or “give it everything you’ve got.”

What if you know you’re not??

How do you forgive yourself that? I have poured my heart and soul into this for over a year. I am tired. I am tired of caring about the caloric value of food. I’m tired of the guilt associated with it. I’m tired of feeling that I have to hide in my bedroom or sneak around to eat something that “I know I shouldn’t.” I’m sooooooo exhausted.

So, enough of the pretty talk. Today, I’m pissed. I’m going to feel sorry for myself. I’m going to SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS. It is UNFAIRRRRR that I have to work this hard to lose this weight and someone else can eat whatever they want and not gain a pound. IT MAKES ME ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Yes, it’s an addiction. I’m angry because the chemicals are screwed up in my brain. I REALIZE all of the physiological reasons that make up the brain of an addict. I know, I know, I KNOW! It’s not easy, I know. You have to want it, I know. It takes time, I know. You didn’t gain this weight over night, I KNOW! But, why doesn’t it matter to my body how much I want it? Why doesn’t my heart count? 

I’m angry. 

I want it to be easier.

It is not easy. 

I am struggling.

I have weighed the same amount give or take 5 lbs for 2 months.

I’m exhausted. 

I know what I’m doing wrong and I know how to fix it. 

It’s hard. 

SO FREAKING HARD.

*sigh* 

I need to join OA or something that gives me a support group. 

I hate the “higher being” aspect. I can’t stand “praying.” 

Is there an agnostic OA? 

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Stairs…yeah, I love ‘em.

This post is going to be short, but I had to talk about this before I burst with excitement!!!!

Today I did legs with the trainer. Bust my butt workout!  (literally, my gluts are KILLING ME!!)  I got home and Paula cooked 3rd meal. (Baked haddock with onion and mushroom with broccoli friggin YUMMMM). We ate and then headed to her old apartment. Here’s where it gets exciting….you ready?

I ACTIVELY participated in moving her boxes FROM UPSTAIRS to the cars downstairs. Granted, it was only 1 flight of stairs and we didn’t have to move anything but boxes as the big furniture got moved last week. I climbed up the stairs, and then carried boxes down the stairs around 15 times. Her old roommate helped us down with a few things. He weighs 160-175ish and has no real fat to speak of. He got out of breath and stopped after just a few trips!!!!

This is a huge accomplishment for me. I have moved a million times in my life and have NEVER been able to help with the moving of things from upstairs to downstairs. Never! I was too out of breath by the time I got the top!!

I LOVE that I have lost 130 lbs.

I LOVE that I’m in shape.

I LOVE that I am no longer a smoker.

I LOVE that each day I discover something new I can now do that I couldn’t before.

I LOVE MY LIFE!!!!!!

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Struggling with Addiction

The last 48 hours have been insane. At 7 am yesterday while I was at work I received a phone call from my friend stating she needed to be picked up from the emergency room because she was being discharged after being treated for alcohol withdrawal. She’s an addict. She has a problem and wants to get help. *BAM* That was the sound of my jaw hitting the floor because I had no idea her drinking was a problem. We have been friends for over since 2003, lost contact for about 6 years and then since the beginning of last year we have hung out a few times. Honestly, I don’t really know who she is at this point in her life. Anyway, of course I did what I could to help her. Got her all checked into a nice treatment facility after hours and hours of talking….phone calls to insurance companies, social workers, visits with ER doctors/nurses. She is there safe and sound. It’s on her to do the work.

Do the work…..crap. I haven’t been doing the work. Over the past week (AGAIN) I’ve gotten really lazy with my diet. I keep allowing myself to make excuses. “Oh, I’m just too tired to cook.” “It’s just one bite, it won’t kill me.” “I’m not gaining any weight, I can afford the calories.” Yeah…I might be friggin tired. Yeah….one bite ISN’T going to kill me, and YEAH i’m not gaining weight….BUT if I’m not careful the addiction will win again. I can’t allow that to happen. I renewed myself today, let my power take back over. I have to admit, though, today was hard. I had a war with myself all evening

So, again today I renew my dedication to eating clean and training dirty. I focus hard on my redefinition. I remember my successes, respect my failures and keep a constant eye on my goals.

One day at a time. One good choice at a time.

Success is my only option. It’s the only one that makes sense. You don’t come this far….you don’t lose this much weight and stop. Okay, maybe someone does, but not this girl. Not me. I am my own power source. I will succeed.

 

Period.

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It’s not all roses.

I am a food addict.

I make mistakes, and when given the chance, I have the propensity to binge consuming more calories than is humanly possible to burn.

Driving down the street proves difficult when you’re diet is like mine is. Fast food restaurants yell at you, the corner stores where you used to buy cigarettes, the restaurants that sell your favorite foods. I have cravings. A normal person can have just one cookie. If I have a cookie, I want 2 dozen. If I eat 1 taco, I want 10. It’s like telling an alcoholic to just have one drink. “Oh, it’s fiinnneee…. you have to give yourself a break SOMETIMES.” No, no really I don’t. If I take a break, if I give a little slack….I will fall. I will lose control.

I have worries and doubts and fears. Am I going to continue to lose weight? Is my hard work going to pay off? Will I fail? My knees hurt, all the time. Will they take over? Will I be able to continue? Will it all be enough when I’m done?

My life is amazing. I am smoke free for 2 months. I have lost 132 lbs. I am happy and healthy and every day I can see the changes in my body, my soul.

But, I am an addict. I will always feel guilt. I will always know fear. I will always have to be careful, maintain control of that little voice in my head telling me it’s okay to stop in, have a little treat.

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A new dawn, a new day….a new love?

So, many of you who know me personally (or are at least attached to my personal facebook) know that I am now in a new (freaking awesome) relationship. At first my trainer, and myself honestly, were afraid about what that might mean in terms of my level of commitment.

The last time I entertained a relationship I lost focus. The person I was dating was not supportive, they enabled my addiction and sabotaged my success by bringing horrible food around me and asking me to miss gym sessions, etc.

This time, however, all of that is different! I have fallen hard and fast for someone who is supportive, loving, beautiful, healthy, encouraging, sexy AND who PUSHES me to get to the gym. We even go grocery shopping together, and she is EXCITED to pick out new (organic, natural, healthy) options! As I posted earlier, I am on a VERY strict diet created by James. Paula cooks for me….. she learns more and more every day about what I need….. what I can have, what I can’t. She is helping me find new ways to prepare the foods I’m permitted to have.

Also, we have worked out together. She even comes to the gym and sits there supporting me through my workouts!!

It is so difficult for me when someone who is smaller than me is interested in me. I don’t understand why? What do they see? I want to hide under the blankets, turn off the lights, make excuses for every compliment she gives. I have to say that I am finding it easier each day to let my body be my body. I am who I am. I have made soooo many changes, my body is smaller, more fit. I still have the places on my body with which I am uncomfortable (who doesn’t??) but I am learning….. that I am attractive. I am SEXY!!!!

And so it begins…. I am opening myself to something I didn’t think I was interested in. It is soooo true that when you stop looking for something THAT is when you find it!!

I am struggling a little with sleep… Life is so exciting right now. Not just this relationship, but I’m feeling healthy and happy strong!!! I feel like there is soooo much to do!!!! Shutting down my brain at the end of the night is hard. Everything else is going so well, I just need to figure out the sleep thing. I think I have discovered a way…I just need to try it. I’ll let y’all know how that goes!

 

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Under 300…..SERIOUSLY??

For the first time since sophomore year of high school, my weight no longer has a 3 in front of it! I cannot tell you how amazing that feels. I am finding new strength everyday. I have had my struggles, but right now I really feel like I’m in a good place, like I’ve hit my stride for a little while. As things progress, I am sure that I will continue to have hurdles to overcome. I kind of wanted to take a moment to address some of those past hurdles in a time line so that I can appreciate the good times even more!

Jan 2011- The beginning of my journey. I had moved back to Texas from Oregon in August of 2010 and continued to gain weight due to some really heavy emotions surrounding that move. I got all the way to 407 lbs. I was depressed and had given up on life, love and happiness. I can remember at one point feeling like I was on auto-pilot and my life wasn’t even really mine. It belonged to emotional eating and food addiction.  I had amazing friends supporting me, but I didn’t have the inspiration or drive to even care.

Feb 2011- Moved to Austin, hoping that being in a different town than the one I left for Portland would help. Changed jobs, took on more responsibility and chose to begin changing my diet. Slowly at first, making small changes. Brown rice instead of white, wheat bread instead of white. I was very inconsistent at this point, but just knew that it was time to start something. However, I am a food addict. I was never consistent,  I would do great all day and then stop by Taco Bell that evening and eat more than I could.

March 2011- Michael moved in. I began hiding my sadness, going out with him. Partying, drinking. Still working insane hours. I didn’t have time to care about my weight. I still tried to make good decisions but mostly lied to myself and others about the decisions I was making all the while overeating in private. My excess poundage was there for all the world to see, but somehow I thought I was being stealth.

April-May 2011: Continued to make healthier choices. I was able to control my cravings for longer periods of time. 2-3 days if I was in a good head space. Emotions still got the best of me. I still mourned the loss of my life in Oregon. I still cried almost daily over the things I no longer had in life. Emotions…blah. I had lost about 20 lbs weighed about 380-385. I felt a little better about myself but spent way too much time working to really deal with anything I was going through emotionally. Getting drunk was the easiest way to forget my low self-esteem.

June 2011- My dad became incredibly ill. We put him on hospice care. Here’s a facebook post from June 23rd, 2011: “I don’t ever want to be as sick as my step-dad. I must start taking better care of myself physically, mentally and emotionally. Big changes to come!  Friday I shall join a gym and pump this thing into overdrive! 45 lbs down so far let’s do this.” I think this is when things finally started to click. If I didn’t get serious about getting the weight off I was going to die. I really tackled the actual problem I had with losing weight. Food Addiction. It owned me. Had so much power. I had to break myself from it one day at a time, one step at a time, one right choice at a time. I struggled daily (and still do to this day) but each day was a little easier. The end of June my father passed away. I was at peace with this because he had been so sick for so many years, but realizing the thing that made him sick was in my near future scared me.

July 20, 2011 facebook post: Dad, I miss you….I’m going to do everything I can to get healthy so I can take care of mom. I know it’s what you would want for me.

July 2011-I met James, my personal trainer for the first time at 24 hour fitness. I have to tell you that walking back into a gym for the first time  in many many many many years was scary. NOT as scary as diabetes, so I carried my chunky out of shape booty in there and did what I had to do. And so it began.

For the rest of 2011- I did hard work. Trained dirty, ate clean. I got rid of some negative energies and gained some really positive ones. I lost weight. Slowly at first….but the success came.

Oct 2011- BFP Reunion. I got to perform in front of a bunch of my most favorite people in the entire world. I had lost about 80 lbs at this point.  I told a little bit of my story and received the love and encouragement I needed to continue this journey.

Dec 2011- Another hurdle. My goal was to be under 300 lbs by Dec 31st. Around Dec 15th I weighed (I weighed at work at the time, on an old wonky scale.) I was 298!!! SOOOOO excited!! I celebrated, threw a little party in my head. I didn’t tell anyone, though because it was my New Year’s SURPRISE!!! The next week, I went to weigh and I had gained 12 lbs!!!! IMPOSSIBLE!!! I was figuring I would gain 1-2 lbs because of a little  fluid retention (ladies you get it) but NO WAY I could GAIN that much in a week!! Come to find out, the scale was broken at work the week before and I hadn’t actually lost that weight in the first place. I was now 310 with 1 week left in the month and there was NOOOOOO WAYYYY I was going to make my goal. So, I pouted. I cheated, I went off diet and stopped caring about working out between trainer sessions. I gained a few more lbs, leaving me even more sad. I had to learn that just because something happens, doesn’t mean it’s okay to give up. If I went off diet for an evening, it doesn’t make it over. I am still amazing and strong and powerful.

Jan 2012- I quit SMOKING! James took over my diet and I cracked down on all the stupid addictions I previously couldn’t control. Now, I am FINALLY way below the 300 lbs mark and I could NOT be happier. I have also been a non-smoker for 39 days tomorrow!!! WHOOOTTTT!!!

P.S.- I CAN CROSS MY LEGS, NOW!!!!!!!

(Please forgive the horrible grammar and disconnected thought process here. This was a difficult post to write for some reason. Telling the story from start to finish is MUCH easier if you leave out the touchy stuff. I found it difficult to work on this post.)

 

Also, if I can do this…..so can you!

 

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Confidence…smofidence. Be mine!

My ex partner (who is now my best friend) and I were having a discussion earlier about my self-confidence issues and the way they affect my romantic relationships.

I am beginning to grow more and more comfortable in my own skin. Sometimes, however, I feel like I’m in between stages. I am SOOOO happy to have lost the weight that I have, and I feel sexier in my clothes. But, I still have so much left to lose, and I look forward and can see myself thin. I know that there are only a few people on this earth who look in the mirror naked and LOVE what they see. We are all socially conditioned to hate our bodies by the media and pop culture. So, when I am intimate with someone I have a difficult time allowing myself to believe they are truly attracted to my body even if all the signs are in place that they are. I hesitate when there is too much light in the room, I hide under blankets or don’t allow my clothing to be removed.

While there are other things (obviously some trust issues caused by previous experiences)  that make relationship difficult for me, I honestly believe this issue is the one that presents the most negativity. If I don’t feel attractive or sexy, then how can I believe that someone else does? And if I don’t believe what they say in that regard, then I can’t believe that their feelings for me are real, either. Ultimately, I end up with animosity and distrust for their feelings or intentions, no matter how genuine or legitimate they may be.

This is something I am working on daily. I know I can conquer this thing, just like I’ve conquered the rest of it.  I just have to make sure my mind is healthy and happy.

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Happy…what’s that?

Happiness is:

-waking up in the morning and looking at myself in the mirror and for the first time in 10+ years feel PLEASED by what I see.

-going on a 30 min run/walk in the neighborhood and coming home with only minimal discomfort in my knee.

-climbing 2 flights of stairs without getting out of breath.

-actually believing it when someone says I look beautiful, not thinking they were just saying it.

-believing that I can actually accomplish what I start.

-wearing shorts in public for the first time in 10 years.

-being free of addictive substances for 20 days. (in my case alcohol and cigarettes and junk food/fast food)

-realizing that I am strong. Physically and mentally.

-finally feeling attractive.

-sitting in any chair I want to.

-crossing my legs like a lady.

-BREATHING!

-having friends and family that have stuck by me through all of it. They listen to me complain, brag, grunt, gush, and still continue to come around.

-Being able to get my story out into the world.

-having a great home, a great job, and a life that allows me to concentrate 100% on my health.

-having someone ask me for help with their work out. Me….they want ME TO GIVE THEM POINTERS!!!!!

-feeling like I have a long life in front of me, instead of feeling like I’ll die in the next 10 years from heart disease.

-picturing my life and feeling good about it.